I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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