yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Someone shit on the floor
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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