mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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