My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
