My balls are so social today.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
