I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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