Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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