Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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