If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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