As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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