Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
