i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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