this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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