Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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