The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
