If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I smell like Dick and happiness
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
