why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
