and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
