Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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