I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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