I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
