actually, I'm a sock model
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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