So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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