Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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