I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
