I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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