Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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