FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
