theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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