I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
