it's not cheating when I paid for it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
