i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
