Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
