He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
