I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
