i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
