There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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