Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
