If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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