so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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