when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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