my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
