She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
