the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
