Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
