You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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