My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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