ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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