I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
