Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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