Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
