I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
