you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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