Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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