Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
