you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
being pregnant is like rehab
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
